Alice (Term Time Only)

My first day. No one on meet and greet duty. Charming. So I sit in what I presume is my new desk. Rifling through the drawers when a woman swooshes in wearing a cape – nice touch, ‘I didn’t know it was dress down Mondays here!!” I say. The woman, I say woman it’s hard to be sure. anyway, in she swoops with a face like thunder. How was I supposed to know that this is the Headteacher’s office…and she is the Headteacher? Good start!

At 10 o’clock I haven’t even had a fag break, I don’t smoke but I always make it a point of letting everyone think I do so that I’m allowed to disappear every twenty minutes. It’s only fair, so I’m just about to sneak away from my desk when she descends AGAIN.

‘Meeting five minutes, MY office’ she gives me a piece of paper. I can’t help myself and before she’s out of earshot start humming the Batman theme as she swoops off. ‘Dadadadadadada Batman Batman’ Touchy!! Note to self, the Head hasn’t got a sense of humour! Another dull job begins. I say another as on average I have four jobs a year. They say there’s no jobs around but I seem to find them……..and lose them apparently.

Whoa…have to fly – I have a meeting to go to you know! Laterz

This is what apparently happens.

* I get ‘invited’ (although my attendance is apparently compulsory)
* Everyone seems to know what’s happening (except me)
* Agendas are mentioned (however I can’t spot any – either obvious or hidden & I’m usually pretty hot on this)
* I am asked to make notes (which I do, although it would seem that commenting in said notes on colleagues appearance and coffee breath is not what was required. Who knew?)
* At the end of the meeting I am asked to wash up (hello….wash up? I don’t think so, I laughed along with them. No, seems they were serious. Bloody hell!)
* And, ‘Can the minutes be ready in half an hour?’ (Minutes? What? I’ll give it a go I guess. Could’ve mentioned it BEFORE the meeting started not at the end!)

Back at my desk. I mention to Sheila, the other secretary (dog’s body) that I’ve been told to wash up. She shows me where the kitchen is and I get to work.

1. Lift bin lid.

2. Slide all cups and saucers in to bin.

3. Read contract and point out to anyone who will listen that nowhere does it mention washing up. Headteacher’s PA, Helen, highlights phrase ‘or anything that can be reasonably expected’. I argue the point and ask her to define ‘reasonable’ she can’t. I win. No more washing up! One-nil.

Now, I just need to type the ‘minutes’? I really can’t remember who said what but I think I got the gist of it:

Attendees: Lanky–haired woman. Slightly overweight woman. Very overweight man. Headteacher (AKA Batman on account of her cape). Me (Alice Short).

Item 1. Very overweight man (VOM) said something about positive (or negative) start to new year. Could arrangements be sorted by someone to collect all parent surveys regarding something? Lanky-haired woman (LHW) said she could (or couldn’t) and would talk to someone called Sue or John to help or do it themselves.

Item 2. I seemed to have sketched my thoughts on this item and it appears to be a chicken with the facial features of Slightly Overweight Woman (SOW). Will have a think and see if I can jog memory. Think she said something about school grounds needing attention or are they being sold off? Don’t know. Maybe the chicken has nothing to do with this item so don’t quote me.

Item 3. School Christmas Fair. BM wants this organised early this year. I think VOM said he would be Santa or did I make that up? There was a mention of a Student raffle. I said (AS) that I’m not sure how many people would want to win a child for Christmas. VOW, LHW, SOW and BM ignored me. Feel that this may come back to bite them.

Item 4. Headteacher (BM) talked about new staff and thanked (VOM) for help in training. Think sketch might be for here – was I thinking that (SOW) could do with training and then a chicken run came to mind? That’s it, so ignore Item 2-I’ll come back to that.

Any Other Business.

* Assembly this week about finance for proposed new playground climbing stuff.
* Finance meeting to be scheduled to talk about friendship and bullying.
* BM asked AS to wash up. AS not impressed and will need to look at contract. [Done]

Is it just me, or are teachers really thick these days? Don’t lecture me on bloody political correctness…you come and work here. The place is full of moronic imbeciles. Seriously.

We have a Special Needs Coordinator, all I can say is God help the kids. And those kids really need all the help they can get, man they’re stupid. Sorry if you have a child but oh my f***ing God, they are so annoying. All I can hear is “’scuse Miss can you help me?” Do I look like Mother Theresa? Don’t they know I’m trying to work? Well not strictly work, not all the time anyway. I have The Club to organise with Sheila. And the book to run on Helen the school slapper. And money-raising events to plan…our holiday won’t pay for itself.

The Club? It’s a slimming club, I say club there is actually only one member. No it’s not me! It’s Julie – another half wit special needs worker. She’s not exactly fat, but fat enough to buy into my diet plan. And desperate enough to pay £5.50 a week to be weighed and then another fiver or so for the tin of slimming milk-shake stuff I get for her. Except it’s not slimming stuff it’s a protein drink I just switch the label on, like I said this holiday won’t pay for itself! Viva Espana!

“What?” Hold on there’s a kid at the door. “What? No, I don’t know why she’s not here yet. Is she out of prison yet? Well, then she’s probably in the pub.” Bloody hell…what am I, Barnardos or something?

Yes I know this is a school and the kids are only small but come on – reality check – they are not cute and they do stink. Sorry, but it’s true. The smell of stale pee and orange squash pervades the corridors of this dump, which is why once I get in to this office in the morning I stay in this office.

Right, here comes Julie. Where are those scales?